Viktor Yanukovych Tells Oligarchs to Pay for His Social Initiatives – A Satire

By Taras Kuzio

President Yanukovych announced social populist bribes ahead of the October elections to assist the Party of Regions whose popularity is falling. The populist promises will cost $2-3 billion and Western commentators wondered how Ukraine’s cash starved budget would cope. What follows below is a fictitious transcript of a meeting between Yanukovych and a group of Ukrainian oligarchs that was probably really held last month in the President’s palatial residence, Mezhyhirya.

President (speaking to the oligarchs): We have to win this f***ing election; without a parliamentary majority it will be impossible to secure my re-election in 2015. All of you know that my presidency is the guarantor of your further enrichment otherwise those f***ing goats – nationalist bandits and populists – will come to power. If that g*****n woman is released from jail we are all f***ed!

Oligarch: What do you want us to do?

P: You all have done very well in the last two years. Isn’t that right? So, now is the time to pay an “election tax.”

O: What is an “election tax?”

P: This is a thank you to me for turning a blind eye on all of you for bending the rules and an insurance policy against the so-called opposition coming to power.

O: Ok – we understand! What do you have in mind?

P: We have to bribe those damned stupid voters by throwing them a few crumbs from our table so they don’t vote for those c**k-s****r oppositionists. Just enough crumbs so they think we really give a s**t about their sorry lives. I am going to propose some social initiatives next month to increase social and payment benefits on housing and to repay Soviet bank deposits. These crumbs and our administrative resources should be enough to get us 40 percent support in the proportional elections. We will then buy up most of the single mandate deputies who, if they refuse to join us, will get a f**king visit from the tax boys.

O: Won’t these social initiatives damage our relations with the IMF?

P: Screw those c**k-s****rs. We have hired some people in Washington to take care of this. Anyway, it won’t matter because after the elections we will comply with the IMF demands and raise household utilities so that the money starts flowing again. By then it will be too late for the idiot voters to do anything.

O: This is a great idea, right lads!!!! Who thought of this?

P: It doesn’t make any difference, f**k!!! What matters is that you come up with the “election tax” of $3 billion.

O: But, you said the “election tax” was $2 billion!!!

P: Ah, yes, sorry. F**k! I forgot to tell you that my son Sasha – you all know him of course, he is following in his father’s footsteps – will be collecting a $1 billion “administration fee.” I want the babka (cash) on my table by the first day of March. Understood? If you don’t come up with the goods expect a visit from the Security Service.

O: Ok.

P: Fine, that’s settled. Who fancies going hunting with me?