By Taras
Kuzio
President Yanukovych announced social populist
bribes ahead of the October elections to assist the Party of Regions whose
popularity is falling. The populist promises will cost $2-3 billion and Western
commentators wondered how Ukraine’s
cash starved budget would cope. What follows below is a fictitious transcript
of a meeting between Yanukovych and a group of Ukrainian oligarchs that was
probably really held last month in the President’s palatial residence,
Mezhyhirya.
President
(speaking to the oligarchs): We have to win this f***ing election; without a
parliamentary majority it will be impossible to secure my re-election in 2015.
All of you know that my presidency is the guarantor of your further enrichment
otherwise those f***ing goats – nationalist bandits and populists – will come
to power. If that g*****n woman is released from jail we are all f***ed!
Oligarch:
What do you want us to do?
P: You all
have done very well in the last two years. Isn’t that right? So, now is the
time to pay an “election tax.”
O: What is
an “election tax?”
P: This is
a thank you to me for turning a blind eye on all of you for bending the rules
and an insurance policy against the so-called opposition coming to power.
O: Ok – we
understand! What do you have in mind?
P: We have
to bribe those damned stupid voters by throwing them a few crumbs from our
table so they don’t vote for those c**k-s****r oppositionists. Just enough
crumbs so they think we really give a s**t about their sorry lives. I am going
to propose some social initiatives next month to increase social and payment
benefits on housing and to repay Soviet bank deposits. These crumbs and our
administrative resources should be enough to get us 40 percent support in the proportional
elections. We will then buy up most of the single mandate deputies who, if they
refuse to join us, will get a f**king visit from the tax boys.
O: Won’t
these social initiatives damage our relations with the IMF?
P: Screw
those c**k-s****rs. We have hired some people in Washington to take care of this. Anyway, it
won’t matter because after the elections we will comply with the IMF demands
and raise household utilities so that the money starts flowing again. By then
it will be too late for the idiot voters to do anything.
O: This is
a great idea, right lads!!!! Who thought of this?
P: It
doesn’t make any difference, f**k!!! What matters is that you come up with the
“election tax” of $3 billion.
O: But, you
said the “election tax” was $2 billion!!!
P: Ah, yes,
sorry. F**k! I forgot to tell you that my son Sasha – you all know him of
course, he is following in his father’s footsteps – will be collecting a $1
billion “administration fee.” I want the babka (cash) on my table by the first
day of March. Understood? If you don’t come up with the goods expect a visit from
the Security Service.
O: Ok.